Who Counsels the Counselor?
by SadaraLochlan
Summary: Eventually we all have to face our demons...
1. Vulcans

**A Note: This fic takes place circa 2404. It is based on an RPG in which Sadara is aboard the T'Kumbra, but marries Vorik rather than Solok. She's had issues adjusting to life with an all Vulcan crew and has taken leave to address them with a colleague.**

"I'm assuming you wish to keep this little chat off the record?" Dr. Barim Xetan teased his newest client gently as she bounded up the stairs leading to his office. The truth was Sadara Lochlan wasn't a new client by any means. He had been the ship's counselor when she had commanded the USS Sitting Bull and had seen her manage numerous crises, though not all of them had she emerged unscathed.

"No, not this time. I cannot hide from this anymore. My marriage will no longer endure it."

Very little surprised Barim Xetan, but at this moment Sadara had managed it, just as she had a few weeks ago when she had requested to spend her leave on Betazoid under his care. Xetan had long held a doctorate in Exopsychology and had spent a great deal of time in Starfleet as well. It had been nearly three decades since they'd last seen each other in person, though they had communicated frequently over the years, having had similar careers as counselors.

The sparkle of amusement in Dr. Xetan's onyx eyes dimmed at her solemnity and he led back to his office. Sadara noted the appearance of the fine lines in his face that hadn't been there 30 years ago and his once light brown hair had begun to fade and gray. Somehow that didn't detract from the youthful energy he had about him, the resilience that enabled him to carry on with optimism despite the issues of other people he dealt with everyday. Sadara hadn't held up so well.

They sat down across from each other as Sadara waved a hand dismissively. "I realize that as I am still the ship's counselor and could at some point be a starship captain again you will have to send your report to Captain Solok. I only ask that you send it to my husband as well. I don't want Solok knowing anything my bondmate doesn't get to know."

The Vulcan/Human hybrid peered out the window behind her for a long moment, contemplating where to start. It was a beautiful sunny day on Betazed and the colorful flora was in full bloom. Such beauty seemed a stark contrast to the gloom she felt inside.

"Others, especially my husband have mentioned that I fight too hard against, apparently, everything; that I'm manipulative, controlling, and selfish."

"And do you believe that?"

Steepling her long fingers in front of her, Sadara leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. "To some extent, yes, but I don't think it's as bad as what they say."

"Then what made you do this?"

"It was the only thing I could think of that I might respond to; that might save my marriage. Trying to coax me into different thinking habits through the use of logic will only push me to fight harder. You know I've never been comfortable around Vulcans and I've always been a lousy one. The last thing I'm going to respond positively to is becoming *more* Vulcan."

"So let's start there," Xetan nodded for her to continue. "What is it about Vulcans that makes you uncomfortable."

"Oh where do I start?" Sadara laughed. "I grew up on Earth so obviously my environment shaped a lot of who I am; mainly emotional. What Vulcan youths I did come across when my mother and I visited Vulcan teased and mocked me. I never did understand that. Where is the logic in torturing people who are different from you? And many of the adults aren't much better. IDIC my ass. And then there are the insufferable superiority complexes. I think the worst of it for me is the stoicism. You can't read them. It gives me the creeps. I can't help but feel they're judging me because save for a few of them, that's what has happened to me."

Making a few notes in his datapadd, Dr. Xetan nodded, and then he frowned in confusion. "Wait, you feel uncomfortable around Vulcans and yet you've married two of them? "

"Yeah I'm experiencing some cognitive dissonance regarding that myself. It's best if you don't think too hard about it."

"So now when someone suggests you make a change it feels like a judgment against you?"

"That would be close. Especially coming from a Vulcan it sounds like "you're not Vulcan enough therefore you're not good enough." I hate this hybrid shit. Vulcan and Human should not have been mixed. Such diametrically opposing lifestyles. Forget the stuff I rail against externally, you ought to see the battle that goes on internally. I barely get along with myself."

"Oh we're getting there I think. First though, you need to recognize on an emotional and cognitive level that not every Vulcan you meet wears the face of the bullies from you past. Part of the reason you feel defensive around Vulcans even now is because every time you meet one your psyche recycles what happened to you as a child. It's a defense mechanism, albeit a destructive one. You don't even realize half the shields you put up against others because of it."

Sadara's mouth twisted and her sapphire eyes sparkled with mischief. "I thought that's what Vulcans did; put up shields?"

A grin spread itself across Dr. Xetan's face. "There it is."

"What?"

"The defensiveness."

"That was not defensive. That was sarcastic. And it was a very valid point too."

"Perhaps, but you circumvented the point and tried to take the conversation in a completely different direction. We're talking about you right now." Xetan tipped his pen toward her by way of emphasis.

"Well that's hardly fair. I get scrutinized, but they don't… Anyway…" With a long sigh, Sadara sank back into the deep cushions of the couch and let her head tip back. This was going to be the longest two weeks of her life. She was pretty sure Dr. Xetan was thinking the same thing.


	2. Maxus and Tobin

Session 2

"We're taking a field trip," Dr. Barim Xetan stated in no uncertain terms as he led Sadara out of his office and into the bright, cheerful day. Dr. Xetan had done some more homework on Sadara the night before and had a hunch that today's session was going to tell the tale of Sadara Lochlan.

The skilled Exopsychologist took out a communicator and ordered their beam over to a location he didn't disclose to Sadara, though she had a hunch. There was only one real place on Betazed that would hold any serious emotional ties for the middle aged woman. As they rematerialized and the surrounding area coalesced into gorgeous, colorful reality around them, Sadara's hunch was proven correct.

"Janaran Falls…" she gasped in awe. The falls were as splendid as she remembered them. Vulcan had nothing like it and Earth, while boasting some splendid falls itself, still couldn't match the majesty of these.

Dr. Xetan's black eyes focused on her intently, curious what emotions he might see play across her soft features. "Brings back memories, does it?"

"A few," she murmured without elaborating.

The aging Betazoid made his way up a long, winding path. Sadara swallowed hard, a feeling of dread welling up in her belly, but she followed him dutifully. She supposed it was time to pay the piper, so to speak.

Sadara halted when Xetan made a right off the path and waded through the flora and brush and trees. He turned back to look at her and raised an eyebrow, prompting her to follow. With a long sigh, she gave in and continued following him in uncomfortable silence. They journeyed for a good fifteen minutes before he stopped.

"So… we're here. Care to tell me where "here" is?"

"You seem to already know the answer," Sadara responded, clasping her hands behind her back.

"Sadara…"

A heavy sigh. "You are standing over my son's grave. Maxus, Tobin's father didn't want him cremated so we buried him up here, secretly I might add. He wanted somewhere near the falls because it was our favorite quiet spot to spend time together."

Dropping herself onto a large log, Sadara stared down at the ground and continued.

"I was 18 years old in 2259. Maxus and I met during my first year at the University of Betazed studying Psychology. We were very much in love and it looked like we'd stay together and even marry. Given that I'm a hybrid and he was of a completely different species, we gave little thought to unplanned offspring. We were both caught off guard by my pregnancy, but pleasantly so. The pregnancy was uneventful, but my son was born with a heart defect that couldn't be repaired. His "tri-brid" physiology was completely new to medicine. Just like Vulcan/Human hybrids weren't viable until the early 23rd century. Everyone was optimistic because my pregnancy had gone well."

Dr. Xetan remained silent and sat across from her on a tree stump. With a deep breath, Sadara swallowed hard and pushed through the rest of it.

"He went through two surgeries to try to correct the defect, but after the second was unsuccessful, the surgeons said that Tobin wouldn't be strong enough for a third and sent him home with me and Maxus to die at home. He died in my arms 10 days later. He was a little more than four months old. For a short while, Maxus was a great comfort, but then he immersed himself in his studies and work. He'd taken it upon himself to work toward making "tri-brids" viable and I was unable to coax him from his research, not even for a dinner out or anything like we used to do. He would come home after I'd gone to bed and he'd be gone to the lab before I woke. We rarely saw each other. The relationship was dead in the water, but nobody had pulled the plug."

Choking back tears, Sadara looked up toward the pink Betazed sky. "You would think that losing a child would bring a couple closer together, but just the opposite happened with me and Maxus. I asked him why he never spent any time with me anymore and his response was that it was just too painful to look at me; that looking at me reminded him of the son we lost. Not wishing to cause him any more pain, I packed up and moved out, finished my degree, and then moved to Vulcan for a time."

Xetan raised an eyebrow as he reflected on her words. The gentle breeze rustling the trees around them was the only sound. "So you've recounted the facts. Care to delve into the feelings?"

"I'm Vulcan, what kind of question is that?" Sadara teased, then sobered. "The whole experience was agonizing. It is difficult to describe what losing a child is like, especially a very young one who never got to experience anything. I felt totally helpless. I couldn't ease his suffering, I couldn't take his place, and I couldn't fix his heart defect. When he was kept in the hospital, Maxus and I could only sit on pins and needles and cringe every time the hospital commed us, imagining the nightmare of being told our baby had died while we were away. Then we got him home and had a similar nightmare, this time checking his bassinet to find he'd passed. It is absolutely the most excruciating experience anyone could go through."

The tears flowed freely now as Sadara relived the worst of it. It surprised her that the feelings would be so raw nearly a century and a half later.

"I was surprised and brutally hurt that Maxus let the relationship die because of it. I had thought it was stronger than that. It was like collateral damage after Tobin's death. And I felt helpless to do anything to stop it, just like Tobin. And I felt abandoned by Maxus."

"And you don't think you unconsciously sabotaged your subsequent relationships as a way to prevent closeness with others as a result? Maxus became unavailable when you needed him the most therefore your trust in others, particularly men was damaged. You were at the mercy of the decisions the doctors made regarding your son and then at the mercy of Maxus when he chose to ignore your relationship in favor of long hours at the lab while he was trying to escape his own pain. The bottom line is you're afraid of being hurt again so you try to control everything around you as much as you can. You haven't let yourself trust anyone else to make any decisions that affect you."

For a moment, Sadara pondered that. "I can when it's related to work. Interpersonal relationships are harder, yes. With my duties, there are rules and regulations to guide me. It's impossible for me to do everything myself so I have to rely on others. Their specialties are different so as a captain I often had to rely on the knowledge and capabilities of others. Relationships develop their own parameters and not always is there a fair balance."

The two colleagues looked each other in the eyes for long moments, both speculating on the recent revelations. Sadara's mind was already fast forwarding ahead to other traumatic events in her life. While she was easily able to break down another's complex, she hadn't spent a great deal of time working on her own over the years. The traumatic events of her past were not anything she cared to revisit in any detail. Yet here she was.

"I'm curious, Sadara; what is your husband's chief complaint about your behavior and/or your marriage?"

"I suppose I should have brought him with me," she chuckled. "My understanding is he finds that I don't accept things I should and I am overly emotional in my reactions to things. I fight against everything apparently."

"The reason I ask is because when I served under your command on the Sitting Bull, I didn't notice that about you. I'm wondering if it's a reaction to being with an all Vulcan crew."

"You mean that constructive criticism offered by a non Vulcan would be met with less hostility than when it comes from a Vulcan? That I perceive such coming from Vulcans as something more like persecution?"

"It seems to fit. I've looked over the notes of your previous ship's counselors and I've seen nothing to indicate this was a problem until you joined an all Vulcan crew. You've admitted you have had issues with your comfort level around Vulcans."

Sadara nodded thoughfully. "It does make sense, but I joined an all Vulcan crew to help me get passed that discomfort. I am surprised that it has only grown worse rather than better. I expected to desensitize to it much as one would repeated exposure to a phobia."

An amused chuckle escaped from Xetan's lips. "You my dear, simply enjoy too much jumping straight into things. I suspect you've fallen into a trap that many a behavioral health professional has done; you thought you could fix your own problems on your own. I'm afraid even counselors require counselors. I even have one to help cope with provider burnout and compassion fatigue. You do let your pride get in the way sometimes, but even you are not indestructible. Your plan was good in theory, but you have a complex in place that has been there for most of your life. You know as well as I do that you need to confront that before you can function effectively on a ship full of Vulcans and particularly in your marriage."

Xetan rose from his perch on the large tree stump.

"I want you to spend some time with another colleague of mine while you are here. He's a Vulcan healer and I believe he will be of great help in terms of helping you to function in your marriage to Vorik. I am capable, but I believe a Vulcan would be better qualified to work with the unique issues telepathically bonded couples face. And it will be good for you for you will have to place your trust in him."

Sadara's eyebrow lifted at Xetan's smirk of triumph. She sighed in a rare gesture of submission. "As you wish since I know you will not take no for an answer."

"You are welcome to accompany me back to the city or you may remain if you wish solitude, but we are finished for today."

He headed back down the trail the direction he came. For a moment, Sadara sat on the log feeling indecisive. As Xetan's back retreated further into the distance, she remained frozen, then decided that she wanted to remain with her son for a while longer. 144 years earlier she'd been anxious to flee and found herself curious as to why she lacked that impulse now.


End file.
